Just Some Thoughts...

A Few Observations about Teaching, From a Third Year Teacher

2010-09-12T13:25:00.000-06:00

1. I will always have a slight anxiety attack when the bell rings at the start of the day.

2. Any lesson can be made better by involving a really great picture book that applies to the concept being taught. This is something I'm rediscovering after being a bit lazy with literature the past couple of years.

3. Painting is always stressful. Period. It helps to threaten students that they will lose future painting privileges if they act like idiots during painting projects.

4. With every group of kids, there will always be at least one naughty kid that you completely love AND at least one good kid that will completely irritate you. The converse is also true.

5. Fridays are consistently the worst day of the week when it comes to management and behavior issues.

6. Parents are the hardest part of the job. (Although, there are many wonderful parents that will do anything to make your job easier.)

7. The best way to make sure all kids are working on what they are supposed to be working on is to put them into strategically created groups or partners. Strategy is key here, otherwise you'll end up with kids trying to grab and hang off the American flag hanging in your room.

8. Teachers are surprisingly funny and inappropriate. But it takes a little bit of time in the faculty room to figure that out.

9. Every so often, you'll meet a kid that will completely change the way you think about things. I got my first job working with kids when I was 21 and am now 26. So far, I've already met two such kids.

10. Teaching gets much easier with experience. But it's still really, really hard.

The Grand Unveiling

2010-07-30T13:50:00.000-06:00

A few weeks ago, my creative and talented friend Lindsay gave me an idea for a new blogging project. She knew I was struggling to find a focus for my blog and suggested I start a whole new blog looking something like this. Feel free to take a gander at it. Ideally, this is something that I'll update nearly every day. I've been trying to keep the posts short so that it isn't too much of a time commitment, should you decide to stop by for a look.

Again, here is the link to my new page!

What I Really, Really Need Right Now

2010-07-16T15:57:00.000-06:00

Current local temperature: 106 degrees
Saturday forecast: 112 degrees
Sunday forecast: 110 degrees

I could really go for a big thunderstorm, complete with a huge downpour, right about now.

"I Think I'm Already Getting Used to the Heat"

2010-07-06T21:55:00.000-06:00

Well, after 11-ish hours in a hot car, most of it down a one-lane (or is it 2? You know, when there is only one lane for each direction and your only hope for passing slow moving vehicles is the extremely fortunate combination of a dotted-line on your side of the road and no cars coming the opposite direction?) road, David and I arrived at our parents new home in Chandler.

Actually the drive through Utah was pretty beautiful. I think this is somewhere around Panguitch or maybe Kanab.

Arizona was less to look at. Although by the time we crossed into Arizona I was pretty grumpy from the heat, so I might have been a little overly critical of the scenery.

When we got to my parents' house I was very happy to see the pool. Too bad there isn't any water in it yet.

I decided to let myself be optimistic and believe that I'll be swimming in it by next week.

My First Finished Project

2010-07-03T18:55:00.000-06:00

It's a bit rough in some areas, but I'm really proud of it. Can't wait to wear it when the weather cools down...

Arizona, Here I Come

2010-07-01T15:42:00.001-06:00

Since I became a teacher, I have thought that it would be so fun to pick a place to go and visit for 2...3...maybe 4 weeks during summer vacation. Last summer it didn't quite work out. This summer, however, I am really, really excited to go down to Chandler, Arizona for a couple of weeks. Sure, it might not be the best time of year to be somewhere that ridiculously hot. But I have big plans and want to make the most of my time there.

A few things on my AZ agenda:

1. Spend the beginning and ending of each day sitting by/in my parents' pool.
2. Read something extremely trashy, campy, or mushy.
3. Find the perfect summer/beach hat to shield myself from the sun.
4. Road trip to the coast with the family for a couple of days.
5. Explore some of the walking and hiking trails in the area.

That's all I've got so far, but I still have a few days to add a few more things to my to-do list.

Golden, CO

2010-06-29T14:19:00.000-06:00

As hard as it can sometimes be to be away from home (the uncomfortable mattresses, meal-after-meal of junk food, etc.), I've really been enjoying vacationing this summer. Being free from work for the summer is great, but I have a hard time functioning without a routine. The exception to this is when I am off on a vacation somewhere. I was raised to believe that when you are on vacation, it's okay to have no plans and to be free to do whatever you feel like doing. Being out of town has made it much easier for me to live freely, which I appreciate.

This last weekend I found myself in Golden, Colorado. My cousin got married on Saturday, so we all made the journey to the Denver-area to celebrate with her. I have always loved Colorado, and Golden is a great little city. In the hours before the ceremony, my parents and I explored downtown Golden, stopping at a farmer's market on the way. We also found time during the weekend to go to downtown Denver. We wandered up and down the 16th Street Mall and had dinner at a brewery across from Coors Field, where the Colorado Rockies play ball.

Hopefully it won't be too long before the next Colorado trip!

I'm Kind of a Big Deal

2010-06-23T11:56:00.000-06:00

Okay. This post is going to make me seem incredibly vain, but I felt the need to share. Sitting on my sofa this morning, watching music videos, drinking coffee, and checking my email, I decided to do something I haven't done in a couple of years. I googled myself.

There are a lot of people out there that share my name, which I always think is kind of cool. I would love to actually meet one of these people some day. Anyway, I discovered that my twitter account is fourth in the search results. As you can imagine, I feel pretty important. (Nevermind that my account was nestled in between myspace pages of people with the same name.)

Of course, being the sort of person that prefers anonymity, I'm thinking that it might be time to look into privacy settings for my account.

Bear Lake

2010-06-21T14:10:00.000-06:00

Since before I can even remember, I've been going to Bear Lake to vacation with my family and their friends. Bear Lake is a gorgeous lake on the Utah-Idaho border and is famous, in Utah at least, for it's delicious raspberries. Last summer we never found the time to make the vacation up there, so I was happy to find myself at Bear Lake this last weekend for a couple of days of summer fun. Isn't the water the loveliest shade of blue?

Hooked

2010-06-17T00:24:00.000-06:00

One perk of having summers off, is that I have a lot more time to visit friends in faraway places. Okay, I guess Provo isn't THAT far, but it does take some time to get there.

Today I took the 45 minute trip to Provo to spend some time with my friend, Libby. We ate burgers, played with her little boy, and honed our skills at a new hobby.

Hopefully in a couple of weeks I'll be the proud creator of a stylish new scarf.

Let's Do This

2010-06-14T22:19:00.001-06:00

About a year and a half ago I went through a phase were I watched House a lot. It was frequently on TNT or USA or one of those stations that replays old episodes of popular shows over and over. One night, while watching, Dr. House said something on the show that really struck me. He was talking to Cuddy and said something like, "You're not happy unless everything is perfect. This means that you're good at your job; but it also means that you'll never be happy."

When I heard that I had one of those moments where I felt like the universe was speaking to me through my television. It might not seem like it, but underneath the surface, I am a perfectionist. While this can be good in some aspects, it can be really negative in others. My tendency toward perfectionism makes me give up when I shouldn't. Sometimes I won't even try at all just so I don't have to deal with not being able to achieve at the level I expect of myself.

Enter my blog.

I have a really hard time really committing to writing on my blog. I'm not the greatest writer and many of the things I write about are totally cliche. Several times in the past, I've seriously considered getting rid of my blog all together. This might not seem like a big deal except that I really like having my blog. I like being able to tell stories or vent about life or express a profound thought (hahaha). Why would I give up something that I actually really like having?

I decided that I'm going to put myself out there a little bit and stop worrying about the fact that my blog isn't as creative or well-written or interesting as others. I'd like to write on my blog more regularly and not worry about being judged by readers. I'd like to find a niche for my blog because I think that having a focus would really help me. And I would like to revamp the look of it.

This might seem silly, but I've really been inspired by some of the blogs I subscribe to. They are the sort of blog that make me feel happy and positive about life. I'd like to have that with my blog, too. Not necessarily for others. Rather, I'd like it to be a source of happiness for myself. When I started this blog, I did it for me, so that I would have somewhere to express myself. I want to get back to writing for me without worries of what other people think about it and without being scared off by perfection.

A Passion

2010-06-09T23:14:00.000-06:00

When thinking about ways to spend the summer, one of the first things to pop into my head is to read more. I love reading, but have a tendency to get lazy during the school year. It's so nice to have the extra time and energy during the summer to catch up on the books I've been wanting to read. The book on the top of my list this summer is The Golden Compass. This is a hard book to find in public libraries in Utah, probably because of the author's atheistic viewpoints...a discussion for another day. But in my quest to acquire this book, I got to thinking about how much I love reading children's literature and how I would like to work on whittling down my list of kid-lit books I've been wanting to read. And then I started thinking about something else.

A couple of months ago, I was talking to a friend of mine about what kind of business we would start if we had the business know-how and finances to make it a reality. I think this is a very important question for people to ask themselves because it can be very revealing of their passions in life. We were at Barnes and Noble at the time, hunting down a book we had read in 6th grade, The Cay. We had been talking about how that book had really resonated with us at the time. That was when we decided that, if we had all the necessary ducks in a row, we would open a children's book store. This book store might also feature a cafe that served things like cupcakes and hot cocoa. And naturally we'd be tight with J.K. Rowling and she would do readings of Harry Potter, like, all the time. Teen lit would have no place in our bookstore, as it is usually mind-numbingly lame. (I didn't even like it when I was a teen. I spent my teen years reading Star Wars novels in between required reading for school. True story, Andy.)

It sounds silly, but children's literature is sort of a passion of mine. I didn't know it until I read the Chronicles of Narnia, but kid-lit can be really smart. In fact, some of these books probably offer more to adult readers, who can identify underlying themes, allegories, and plot devices, than they do to kids. (If I had a nickle for every time Amy and I discussed the themes of racism and censorship in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix...). Plus, I'm a real sucker for happy endings and the triumph of good over evil. Sometimes grown up books end in a really depressing or unsettling manner that I don't always need in my life.

I guess I kind of have the perfect job for a person who loves reading kid books so much. I spend about 10 minutes a day reading aloud to students from children's books that I love. It's fun to find how timeless some books are. For example, both years I've taught I have read The BFG and Because of Winn Dixie. Both years my classes have loved them. I also use my class as a barometer for new books that I haven't read yet. After I've read a new book to my class, I know whether or not I'll read it to future classes. I realized The Magic Tree House was a winner when my whole class started checking those books out from the library after I read the first one to them.

As usual, I don't have a very sophisticated way for closing this blog entry. Maybe my loyal readers (all three of you) wouldn't mind sharing their favorite kid-lit book. I wouldn't mind adding a few books to my list!

Isn't It Beautiful?

2010-05-17T23:22:00.000-06:00

When I was a sophomore in college, I taught myself how to knit. I loved scarves and I was inspired by my friend, Libby, who had spent the summer knitting a scarf for one of our good friends. It was a hobby that I really enjoyed, but I felt really limited in it because I only knew how to knit one thing and didn't really have the resources to make anything really cool, like socks or a hat. So, I set my sights on learning how to crochet. I thought it would be so cool to make a blanket and crochet seemed to be the easiest way to go about it.

Well, years after I decided that I would expand my needle-work horizons, I finally learned how to crochet. I went to the book store, bought myself an awesome book called The Happy Hooker (haha, love the name), and set to work with a crochet hook I stole from my mom a few years back and left-over yarn from the first scarf I ever knitted. And after a lot of getting used to this strange new technique, I had my first little crochet "swatch."

It looks funny, I know. But I used probably four different kinds of crochet stitches in it because I wanted to try all of the basic stitches and see how they looked. My favorite that I've learned so far is the half-double crochet stitch. It creates a pleasant, roundish shape that I think would be very cute in a blanket. Anyway, I've learned the basics and I'm ready to get started on my first project--a surprise gift for a friend.

Here's one last picture of my lovely creation, in case the first one wasn't enough.

Don't Let the Sun Excite You

2010-05-06T16:56:00.003-06:00

Is perpetual coldness the price I have to pay for it being a not-so-snowy winter?

That blows.

Ewwwwww....

2010-04-11T14:06:00.002-06:00

As part of the 2nd grade content curriculum, students are supposed to learn about life cycles. I think this is one of the most exciting things that 2nd graders learn because it has such hands-on potential and students love to learn about and see how different kinds of plants and animals grow. This year I have made it a goal of mine to work on making my life cycles units a little more interesting for the kiddos. We learned about pumpking life cycles in the fall and students sprouted their own pumpkin seeds. They had a lot of fun with it. This gave me confidence to take life cycles a bit further this spring with teaching them about butterfly life cycles. So, I did a little research on how one might possibly acquire caterpillars to grow in the classroom, put in an order for a "butterfly kit," and yesterday...

caterpillars!!!

They are pretty gross. And it has taken some getting used to. I'm keeping them in my brother's room because I knew I would have nightmares about giant caterpillars crawling all over me if they were in my room. (I had them delivered to my house just in case they arrived on a weekend and I'm glad I did.) So far they are just kind of crawling around and producing some sort of silky material. They will supposedly begin to enter their cocoons in a few days and then should emerge as butterflies about a week later.

I admit, this whole caterpillar business is a bit Silence-of-the-Lambs-y, but it's completely fascinating (if a bit yucky). Plus, I know this is one of those things that my kids will always remember doing which makes it worth it.

Aren't they cute?

Life's Rough. Get a Helmet.

2010-02-22T23:43:00.001-07:00

It's been a really long time since I've referenced "Boy Meets World" but I felt that a quote from the show (although I'm not sure it's the original source) made the perfect title for this post. Like many people, I have moments where I just have to whine about my job. Yesterday, talking to my friend Amy, I was complaining about how sometimes it's just really hard to be a teacher. The hardest part for me is definitely dealing with difficult behaviors. And it really frustrates me when I see parents who don't think it's their job to discipline their kids or teach their kids about good manners.

This led us into a discussion about how so many parents can't stand to see their children uncomfortable, or sad, or frustrated in any way. Amy brought up a very good point about how we live in a "feel good" culture. We think we are always supposed to be happy, or at least be happy most of the time. We can't stand sadness. When we feel sad, we think something is wrong with us. So rather than dealing with our emotions, many people start to think antidepressants (or worse) are the answer. To paraphrase Amy: Sadness is not necessarily depression.

It hurts to see people we care about hurting, so it's understandable that we try to push them out of their sadness as soon as possible. But sometimes sadness needs to be acknowledged and validated. I hate that I only have a couple of people that I can talk to about my sadness because I know that they can handle being there and listening...but being there is the most important part. When I feel sad, the worst thing that people can do is tell me to move on, it will all be fine. I know that. I think most people do know that most things turn out being okay. But in the meantime, I think it's important to let people feel however they need to feel at any given moment, even if it is sadness, or anger, or frustration.

It's the same with kids. I think people need to find ways to be okay with their kids having to go through difficult situations. They need to listen to their kids when they are hurting, but they also can't block their kids from ever dealing with painful situations. Life is hard, and it only gets worse as you grow up. This shouldn't be some big secret that we let them find out as they age. Rather than "teaching" kids that when they feel sad their parents will magically take the pain away (with candy or a toy or yelling at their teacher), I wish parents could teach their kids coping skills for when life is rough.

I wish I had better coping skills. It would have been so much easier to learn them as a little kid than it is to figure it out now.

What Makes Me Smile

2010-01-17T12:55:00.001-07:00

A short time ago, I found a good blogging idea on my friend Jenny's blog. Her idea was to write a list of the different things that make her smile. I think it's a positive thing to reflect on what makes you happy, especially when your life has slid into a rut. So here is my list of things that always make me smile:

Seeing the ocean

Puppies (or baby animals in general)

Lazy days spent at a park

Hiking

Listening to live music

Stargazing (I don't really mean of the movie-star variety)

Wave running at Bear Lake

Getting flowers

The Dine-o-Round Blog

2010-01-09T13:53:00.002-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, my friend Lindsay had a brilliant idea to start a blog specifically for a monthly tradition we have with our friend Libby.

Check it out!

He's an Angry Elf--Favorite Christmas Movies

2009-12-25T23:37:00.005-07:00

This time of year, it's always fun to pull out the Christmas movies to help set the mood for the holidays. Since Christmas always seems to sneak up on me, I only get the chance to watch a few every year, but those few are always the same year after year. They are my essential Christmas/holiday movies. Of course, there are a couple of classics that aren't on my list because I've never seen them (I'm talking about you, A Christmas Story). Maybe next year I'll branch out and make room for a few I've never seen to add to this list. The top 5 movies that have a special place in my heart as favorite movies are:

5. A Muppet Christmas Carol--my favorite version of the Christmas Carol story. The muppets are hilarious. The musical numbers are catchy. Michael Caine is Scrooge. What more is there to say?

4. The Grinch--Both the classic cartoon and the one with Jim Carrey. Dr. Seuss is a genius and I always get a little teary-eyed at the Grinch's realization that "Christmas doesn't come from a store."

3. Christmas Vacation--It's really, really not Christmas until I've watched this AT LEAST once.

2. Elf--Will Ferrell, Ed Asner, and James Caan are cast perfectly. Elf is funny and has a super cute Christmas message. In fact, I'm watching it right now.

1. The Santa Clause--My family still watches this every year on Christmas Eve before we go to bed. It reminds me that Christmas doesn't just have to be a magical and powerful experience for kids. It can be that for everyone.

Staying Sane in the Snow

2009-12-12T16:30:00.007-07:00

I kind of hate winter. I'm not a fan of extreme cold and I strongly believe that snow should stay in the mountains where it belongs. When it's cold and dreary, like it is this time of year, all I want to do is hibernate until spring. But the worst part about winter is that it takes a huge toll on my mood. I start to snap out of it some time around February, but I hate how grumpy and down I feel in the meantime.

This year, I have resolved to not give in to the wintertime blues.

I've decided the best way to fight my slight tendency toward SAD (as people in the psychological field call it), is to distract myself. I'm developing a list of goals or projects to work toward until spring comes and I start to feel normal again. This is what I have so far:

First, I really, really want to start a book club. I know for a fact that I have two friends that would definitely be interested in this. I've been told by one of them that I need to be the head organizer in order for it to happen. So, I've decided to take it upon myself to start this thing up after Christmas time.

Second, despite some initial reservations, I've decided to defend my title in Andy's next Ten Dollar Shorts Short Film Contest. That's right, for those of you that don't know, I am a short film contest grand prize winner. The idea that I have rolling around in my head isn't nearly as inspired as the film I submitted for the last contest. But I'm too competitive to not try to win a second time.

Finally, I'm working on a little project titled "Get the Hell Out of Utah." (Amy loves this one.) I don't really know where I'm going or what I'll do when I get there, but I plan on having those details worked out in the next few months. My parents are working on a similar project, which may or may not influence the outcome of mine.

Anyway, I feel very confident that these things will help me survive Utah-winter-yuckiness for the next couple of months. Any additional suggestions to aide me in this endeavor are greatly appreciated.

Fighting Boredom

2009-11-28T17:25:00.003-07:00

When I was much younger, I had many activities that I enjoyed doing during those moments when I was all by myself and didn't have anyone to interact with. I would read for hours. Or I would write plays and draw pictures of fancy dresses in this notebook I had. T.V. was another source of endless entertainment. I'm pretty sure I could spend all day watching the shows on Nickelodeon.

Now that I'm older, I have a much harder time keeping myself entertained. I never know what books to read, I'm no longer interested in a career in the entertainment industry, and T.V. during the day feels like a waste of time. I'm pretty busy with my job, so I don't usually have to find ways to occupy spare time.

However, when a long weekend comes along (not exactly a rarity when you're a teacher), I have NO idea what to do with myself. I feel like I spend my days off wandering aimlessly around. I'm glad to have an extra day in my weekend, but depressed that I don't know how to fill the time. Heaven forbid I spend it on anything work related.

I've been trying to think of things I used to do to when I had spare time to myself to keep me from feeling isolated and down. Today I decided to cook. I found a recipe from Epicurious, went to the grocery store to buy ingredients, and poured myself a glass of wine (makes me feel much classier than I actually am). Then I got to work cooking dinner for my family.

This was one of the best ideas I've had in a long time. Having something to focus on kept my mind from slipping into the ever-present problem I have of "thinking too much." In addition, making dinner gave some purpose to my day, which always makes me feel so much better. Plus, the meal was actually kind of good and something that I would like to make in the future, with some tweaking to the recipe. Even if the meal had been a failure, I'm pretty sure the experience of trying something new would have been enough to keep my spirits up on an otherwise mundane day.

Best of Winter

2009-11-21T11:24:00.002-07:00

It's been a long time, so I decided to find something to blog about and I find that list blogs are the easiest way to go when I'm in a writing rut. Although I don't believe in celebrating Christmas before Thanksgiving (the underappreciated holiday), there are a few Christmas references in this list.

Without further ado, my list of winter favorites:

Hot chocolate with marshmallows
Cozy fireplaces
Hats, mittens, and scarves
Ice skating
Holiday parties
Sledding
Christmas craft projects...that I always talk about doing but never actually do
Seeing long lost friends and family
Glittering holiday lights
Christmas movies (especially "Christmas Vacation")
Christmas music (especially the NSYNC Christmas album)
Looooong holiday breaks

So Long, Summer

2009-08-10T13:36:00.003-06:00

My summer vacation has finally come to an end. These are the things that I'll miss the most about my break:

Sleeping in
Staying up late
No commitments
Eating Popsicles
Going for long evening walks
Hanging out on week nights
No brown bag lunches
Hikes
Driving with the windows rolled down
Pool days
Bike rides
More than 12 hours a day of sunlight
Never having to plan a single lesson

Good bye, summer! You'll be missed!

A Failed Attempt

2009-08-04T15:51:00.001-06:00

I changed the title of my blog today.

I got freaked out.

I changed it back to the original title.

I do not like change.

Wanted: A New Title

2009-07-21T16:06:00.003-06:00

Ever since I started this blog I've felt really annoyed by the name I gave it. I didn't have any ideas for what to call it so I just used the first thing that popped into my head for the title. Well, I need a change, but once again, I'm lacking inspiration. Any ideas? Anyone? Anyone?

Summer So Far

2009-07-07T16:58:00.013-06:00

I'm going to attempt to tell the story of my summer using images.

Road Trip to the Northwest

Outdoor Fun

Fourth of July Festivities

Lazy Days

2009-06-06T15:08:00.002-06:00

The last day of school was yesterday, which means I have approximately 2 months before I'm heading back to my classroom to get ready for next year. While I'm sure the first couple of weeks of my vacation will be quite relaxing, I'm a bit concerned about how I'll feel once I realize I have nothing to do. Therefore, I'm soliciting suggestions for what I should do during my summer break.

(If you have a blog (that means you Linds and Lib) and you don't post a suggestion, I will begin to seriously doubt our friendship.)

I think I'm failing...

2009-04-04T18:25:00.003-06:00

A couple of weeks ago I found a notebook containing my list of New Year's resolutions for this year. I couldn't remember any of my resolutions, so I decided to glance over it to review how I was doing.

Resolution #2: Read 2 books a month.
How it's going? Not so well. I had been reading the same book since November. Last week I officially gave up and began a new one. I'm 3 chapters in. Wish me luck.

Resolution #3: Exercise at least 4 times per week.
How it's going? It's not. Post-work-laziness and tendinitis of the shoulder have left me unmotivated. But now that the weather is warming up (haha, not really), I've decided I'll start running after work.

Resolution #4: Write in my journal.
How it's going? I think I've maybe put in 2 entries since the New Year. Maybe it's time for me to decide that my journaling days have passed. Aren't those things for junior high-ers anyway?

Resolution #6: Cook one new thing every month.
How it's going? Really, really good. Thank goodness for monthly themed dinners with good friends. I've recently discovered that I can make a really tasty queso dip and killer veggie lasagna.

Resolution #7: Drink 8 glasses of water a day.
How it's going? Does coffee satisfy this requirement? I like water. I really do. I just forget about it.

I'm really not comfortable with failure, so I guess I'm off to get a glass of water before departing on my 5 mile bicycle ride to the park where I will sit on a bench reading my new library book.

(P.S. I know how to count, but I found a couple of resolutions too personal or redundant to write about, so I left them out.)

My Apologies

2009-03-18T16:21:00.002-06:00

So...I've received emails and phone calls all related to my "emo" moment last night. I'm very sorry to have worried anyone. I was having a rough few days and my letter was meant to be a cathartic experience for me. It was. I feel much, much better today.

A Letter

2009-03-17T20:35:00.003-06:00

I've been having a really rough week and it has everything to do with you. I've been exhausted the past couple of days and I know it's because of worry, frustration, and sadness over what I did. I wish I was stronger. I wish you would let me apologize for how I treated you. I wish I didn't have guilt over the way you are treating me right now. I don't want to care, but I can't help it. This is just how I am.

January Blahs

2009-01-18T16:31:00.005-07:00

I don't really like January all that much. It's cold, gray, depressing, long. The Christmas high has worn off. You can see and taste the air, at least you can in SLC. It just isn't a great month. This time of year I start begging my family to plan a trip to southern Utah so that I can spend a few days in the sunshine. Luckily for me, they usually go for it, which isn't usually the case with a lot of my schemes.

Anyway, today was fun. I went with my parents up to Park City to attempt to stargaze at the Sundance Film Festival. I'm always really embarrassed to be up there with them around film fest time because they have a tendency to loudly argue about the best methods to find celebrities. I also start to feel a little territorial when we go up for it. Park City is my favorite place in Utah. I often think that if I stay in Utah for the rest of my life that it will be okay as long as I have a home and job in Park City. It makes me upset to see tons of press and other starstruck Utahns, such as myself, clog up Main Street.

All right. I am getting away from where this post was intended to go, if it even had a destination in the first place. Our day in Park City was quite successful. My parents sighted Peter Gallagher, of The OC fame. We joined a mob of people surrounding Elijah Wood, aka Frodo, as he conversed with one of his people. And my mom got a picture with Pierce Brosnin. I may never hear the end of that one. There were also rumors of Ashton Kutcher being in the vicinity. Alas, we could not find him. But Linds and Andy apparently saw Ashty after viewing his film. I look forward to hearing their story of this sometime in the future.

Ramblings

2009-01-02T11:21:00.002-07:00

I'm really dreading returning to work on Monday. I've become quite accustomed to living life without my alarm clock and will probably feel devastated when it goes off Monday morning. Sure, I've been bored a great deal since my Christmas break began. But I sure will miss the little things, like non-sack lunches, staying up past midnight, and checking my facebook account 43 times a day.

On the other hand, not working has led me to spend massive quantities of money that I shouldn't be spending if I want to move out and go on my two-week long vacation this summer. I'm also pretty..."out of it" a lot of the time. Too little mental stimulation makes me weird.

I also decided just this morning that I am going to go on a 90% meat free diet, except for fish products. Yes, I said "products." I think I was semi-inspired by my friends' sugar-free New Year's resolution. I don't really have a sugar problem. But I've considered vegetarianism for years now. And I kind of want to see what life is like mostly meat free. Now, I haven't quite figured out what 90% means yet. It could mean that for every 10 calories I consume, only 1 of those calories can come from meat foods. It might also mean that out of 10 meals, only one can have meat. Hm. Maybe I'll just say that once a week I can indulge in a burger or steak. Otherwise, it's meatless for me.

Finally, I have discovered a great scam that is going on in the spa industry. Well, I didn't really discover it. But I had forgotten about it until this morning. My parents gave me a spa gift certificate for Christmas, and today I happily used it. However, I think it is very cunning of spa personnel to make you all relaxed and feeling good about life and then ask you to buy their far-too-expensive products. Can anybody really say "no" when their brain is set to zen mode?

Ugh

2008-12-30T22:35:00.003-07:00

I hate New Year's Eve. It is by far my least favorite holiday of all the holidays. If I could pick (which I guess I really can), I would spend all day tomorrow in my pajamas, under my covers, until the day had passed. You might be asking yourself, "Why, oh why, does Melissa loathe New Year's Eve so very much?" The reason is that it is consistently a let down for me. In fact, some of my worst days happened on New Year's Eve. But I don't need to go into detail about any of that trauma, except to say that 12/31/06 is a day that will live in infamy in my heart. It was so bad that I spent the entire day of 1/1/07 in bed crying. I should have known then that 2007 would be one of the most hellacious experiences of my life....

Well, since there's no avoiding it, I guess there is only one thing to do, besides hiding under the bed. I'm just going to live in denial. Pretend like it isn't even New Year's. In fact, I don't think I'll even shower tomorrow. And I will NOT drink champagne. Nobody better hand me a noise maker because I will crush it with my bare hands.

Happy freaking New Year's.

I'm not sure where this is coming from

2008-12-26T17:41:00.003-07:00

Maybe it's because it's the end of the year. Maybe it's because I've had a couple of days off of work and way too much time on my hands. I just feel very introspective lately.

Today I pulled out my box of journals because I wanted to remember what I used to be like. I have a really good memory and rarely forget anything that has happened to me. But I have a harder time remembering how I felt and my reactions to different events, probably because my feelings about all of them have evolved as I've experienced new things.

Over the past few months I have often been struck by how I can hardly relate to the person I was a year ago. I was so sad and so fragile. I was moved by everything. A very artistic part of myself that I had never known before began to emerge. It was like I had to find beauty in everything in order to survive.

As I read a part of one of my old journals tonight, I found it harder to understand the person that I had been two and three years ago. Everything annoyed me. I was constantly mad at my parents or friends or schoolwork. Things that I should have been grateful to have were a burden. What was wrong with me?

It makes me sad that I spent so much time being bored and bothered. As hard as it is to remember how sad I was a year ago, I'm happy for what the experience of loss gave me. I'm so much more honest with myself and others than I used to be. And I'm not afraid of leaving things and people behind in order to move forward. And, most importantly, the artist and moody teenager inside me are gone. I feel so much more like myself than I have in a really long time.

Ahhhhh...holidays...

2008-12-25T19:37:00.011-07:00

So, after spending several hours partying it up with the whole extended family, I am very much enjoying laying around in my stretchy pants and sipping hot chocolate. I also love listening to the rain falling on our roof. Snow is overrated. I'd much rather have my Christmas be wet than white.

Anyway, here are the promised images of my crazy neighbors, for anyone that cares.

They sure love blow up decorations.

Also, I don't think anything says "Merry Christmas" quite like a festive-ized elk carcass. (Rudolph's cousin, perhaps?) I found this gem at my cousin's house during Christmas Eve dinner. He takes pride in his hunting skills.

Merry Christmas!

I Have a Problem

2008-12-13T14:48:00.003-07:00

It has recently come to my attention that I may have a bit of a wrapping paper fetish. Whenever I buy a gift for someone, I must by color coordinated wrapping paper and tissue paper to go along with it. Never mind the fact that I already have 3 rolls of wrapping paper and probably 5 packages of tissue paper sitting under my bed. I also have issues with buying cards. If I see a card at the store that strikes a certain chord, I have to buy it. So now, in addition to the ever growing pile of gift wrap, tissue paper, and wrapping accessories (you know, bows, tags, that sort of thing), I also have a drawer full of cards that I have never used and will probably never use. I really think I need help.

I would like to take this time to also announce that I live 2 doors down from the Griswold's. Pictures to follow.

The Source of My Anxiety

2008-11-30T00:43:00.002-07:00

A few weeks ago I realized that there are three things that cause me to become highly irritable. As of late, these three things have seemed to constantly converge to make me continuously grumpy. In case you are wondering what my problem is, here is a list of the most likely causes of my ill temper:

1. High levels of stress
2. Threat of no or little sleep
3. Unfulfilled desire for food

If you want to help ease my emotional discomfort, then feel free to gift me with a massage, sleeping pills, and chocolate chip cookies.

I Just Have To

2008-11-22T11:41:00.004-07:00

All right. I'm starting to get ridiculously excited about the concert I'm going to see tonight. My two musical dreams that I have to realize in my lifetime are to see U2 in concert and Coldplay in concert. U2 continues to elude me. Apparently they are kind of a big deal. But tonight (mwahaha) I will be singing very loudly along to Chris Martin's hauntingly melodic voice as it fills the Delta Center (I don't believe in calling it the Energy Solutions arena) and it will be awesome. A musical journey for the record books, if you will. So, in honor of this historic event in my life, I have decided to write my top ten list of favorite Coldplay songs.

10. Viva La Vida

9. Lost

8. The Hardest Part

7. Trouble

6. Swallowed in the Sea

5. Amsterdam

4. Til Kingdom Come

3. Speed of Sound

2. The Scientist (for me, the song that started it all)

1. A Warning Sign

Wow. What a hard list to put together. I have a hard time finding a song that I don't love on some level. Anyway, there you have it. And if you don't understand my burning desire for Coldplay, that's okay. I'll tell you what I told my brother, you're just lacking the emotional depth required to appreciate them. Nothing wrong with that.

Is it just me...

2008-11-18T19:02:00.002-07:00

...or are people decorating for Christmas really, really early this year?

P.S. I get to see Coldplay in 4 days. Hell, yeah.

It doesn't get much better than...

2008-10-17T15:21:00.006-06:00

Sleeping in

Four day weekends

Hugh Jackman

Sunsets

Live music

Road trips

My dog

John "Cougar" Mellencamp

Ice Skating

List Blogs

My aunt's paella (Take that, Lindsay!)

Really amazing photography

Reading on a rainy day

The ocean

Old Friends

A Tribute to a Classy Dame

2008-10-03T20:26:00.002-06:00

They say you never forget your first. And I certainly never will.

I was about 10 years old when my parents proudly returned home with their new, shiny red bundle of joy. They couldn't get over the cool spoiler nestled upon its sleek rear exterior. I was just excited because it was like a cool new toy for our family to enjoy.

The Honda saw me through some very critical events as I grew up. My first ambulance ride came after another motor vehicle T-boned our beloved car as we drove through an intersection downtown. I was fine. The car was not. It underwent some major reconstructive surgery before it was whole again.

When I was 16 years old, I inherited the Honda after my mom bought another car, an unworthy replacement for our red baby. I was happy to say that my first car was so dead sexy and loved claiming ownership of it.

The Honda was even a loyal companion as I returned to school in Washington after a semester away. It was my connection to home, and together, we explored the exotic world of Spokane.

When I turned over custody of my car to my brother as he turned 16, it was bittersweet. I was thrilled to have a new car, which was my 20 year old dream car, but sad to say goodbye to such a loyal friend. At least she would stay in the family and I would see her often.

Then, on Tuesday night, our beloved family vehicle was taken away from us. She was stolen outside a field as my brother played football with his school friends. This tragic turn of events left us all feeling shaken. Empty. We didn't even get to say goodbye. (Single tear rolls down cheek. Chin quivers.)

What now? What?

Devastating. I know. But, fear not, fellow readers, for my story has a happy-ish ending.

Two days after it was stolen, with my brother hopelessly chasing after it, it was found again. That's right. Like any devoted family member, it found its way back to us, although it isn't completely whole. It has come back with many battle scars, and many untold stories of the true horrors that take place in Tucson alley ways. But we are all hopeful that she will one day return to her former glory.

Welcome back, baby. We've missed you.

My Existential Crisis

2008-09-19T16:58:00.008-06:00

I feel ineffective.

Life should be easier.

I want to move to a remote island with my dog, my surfboard, and my guitar.

(Note: Author may not necessarily own a dog, surfboard, or guitar.)

It's Funtastic!

2008-09-13T17:38:00.003-06:00

Things that I would like to do over the next few months:

1. Go to Oktoberfest...for good beer and good German folk music

2. Take a fall canyon drive...because no place on earth is prettier than Salt Lake in the fall

3. Hike Mt. Olympus...because it didn't happen this summer

4. Meet Jack...and learn how to comfortably hold an infant

5. Go to a haunted house or corn maze...just for the hell of it

6. Carve a pumpkin...to fulfill the sick pleasure I get in squishing my fingers through pumpkin innards

7. Make apple pie...because I've never done it before

8. Have a fall bonfire...complete with blankets, scarves, s'mores, and hot chocolate.

Who's with me?!

A Most Delightful Holiday

2008-09-01T16:31:00.001-06:00

As far as Labor Day weekends go, I would say that this has been an exceptionally pleasant one. I have been left alone this weekend to house/dog sit at my parents' house , which usually means intense and profound loneliness on my part. Sometimes Coldplay is involved, just in case I'm not feeling moody enough. Not so, this time around.

I rather enjoyed my Saturday, which I spent baking, visiting, and engaging in a sort of card game relay with some of my favorite people. The highlights being our hostess's interesting chocolate dessert and some extremely oversized playing cards. (Hostess's fiance must be overcompensating for something....)

I woke up on Sunday wondering how I would be able to handle spending the day with minimal human interaction, only to find myself craving more of the solitude that surrounded me. This was no doubt fueled by the peculiar weather. It hasn't rained at my house in months, but yesterday we received some relief from our dry spell. At about 6:00-ish it began to pour. It was wonderful. Very cleansing and calming. I couldn't help but sit outside on the patio for awhile just to take it in. It was good for my soul.

Did I mention that I spent the rest of the night watching "The Sound of Music?" This is an important detail since few films make me happier than this one.

By the time today rolled around, I felt completely rejuvenated. After last week I needed a weekend like this. I almost feel ready to head back into the classroom tomorrow. Almost.

And the after...

2008-08-29T19:41:00.006-06:00

The view from the doorway...

The miniature desks that I keep running into, causing me to have unusual bruises all over my legs.

Esp. for Linds. It's my read aloud area!!!

In all, the first week was sooo awesomely intense. After I left school the first day, it took all of my energy to stop myself from sobbing hysterically. I don't know why. It was just that stressful. On the plus side, I have aquired about 20 student-made portraits of me and been told that I'm "the best second grade teacher" (direct quote) and had a successful sharing circle. Whew!

My Canvas

2008-08-11T18:11:00.004-06:00

Suggestions are greatly appreciated.

And it begins...

2008-08-03T10:35:00.004-06:00

I am officially freaking out about beginning my teaching career at the end of this month. I knew that I would start having physical symptoms over my nervousness, but I was convinced that I had at least two more weeks before they would appear. I was wrong.

Last night, I dreamt that I was in Saudi Arabia being chased by terrorists. Now, I have my own personal issues with paranoia (I've been called a hypochondriac on a number of occasions), but this doesn't extend into the realm of terrorism. So, I'm thinking that my dream is symbolic for my teaching-related fears. The classroom is my desert; the students are my personal terrorists. Call me crazy, but I don't think this is the best outlook to have as I prepare to start teaching.

The other symptom that I experienced is waking up feeling nauseated and full of dread...at 6:00 AM. A good 3 hours before I should reasonably be expected to wake up on a Sunday morning.

It seemed quite strange to me how suddenly and unexpectedly my fear hit me. Until 8 hours ago I had done a pretty decent job of repressing the knowledge that I was going to start teaching. But then I thought about the past 24 hours and realized that my symptoms were caused by a variety of triggers:

1. Yesterday I changed my calendar from July to August and decided to count the weeks I had left until the first day of school, just for the hell of it. I discovered there are 3 weeks to go.

2. I received a letter in the mail welcoming the teachers to a new school year. In this letter the school administrators had enclosed a detailed schedule of the professional development trainings the teachers will be attending the week before school starts.

3. Last night, a few friends came over to dinner. One of these friends is a fellow new educator who will be teaching at the college level starting in September. He has the first assignment already planned out for one of his classes...and probably the whole semester. Meanwhile, I haven't even began to set up my classroom, much less plan my curriculum. I want to cry.

My biggest fear: That this freak out phase will only get worse over the next 3 weeks.

Bored of Blogging

2008-07-19T17:50:00.002-06:00

I feel uninspired and currently suffer from writer's block. Perhaps changing the visual appearance of my blog will compel me to write again.

Spa Adventures

2008-05-19T14:31:00.003-06:00

Last weekend I experienced a couple of firsts: my first massage and my first facial. I have been wanting to visit a spa for years now, but never got around to it for various reasons. So, when I was thinking about how I wanted to treat myself for finishing my Master's program, I just couldn't ignore the spa idea any longer. I enlisted my two best friends from high school to accompany me on my inaugural journey to the spa, and after much stress (on my part) and some planning, we set out for our spa day.

The day started out exciting enough. I was a bundle of nervous energy because we were running a little late and I wasn't sure what to expect. Mostly, I was agonizing over the question of how much clothing I was willing to shed for the experience. My friends encouraged me to just get rid of it all because I would enjoy my experience more that way. I decided to be bold and go along with it. Walking out to the waiting area, I felt totally liberated.

And then my message therapist entered the room to guide me to the massage area. It was a man. Of course, Miss Modesty, the girl who gets overwhelmingly bashful when it comes to nudity, ends up with a male massage therapist. I'm pretty sure he was the only man working there that day and I got him. I felt so silly and embarrassed. Luckily, once the massage got under way, I was able to mostly let go of the fact that I was naked in a room with a man I had just met. I mean, it's not like he really saw anything...but it felt weird, anyway. I find in times like these, it's best to put things in perspective. A) This man does this for a living. He's a professional. He massages naked people all day long. B) He probably isn't attracted to women. I mean, he might be, but there is a good chance he isn't, so why do I care? C) It's a massage. Go with the flow or else I'm going to miss out on the point of the experience.

So, after the massage, which wasn't quite as earth shattering an experience as I was hoping it would be, I entered into phase 2 of my spa day: the facial. The facial was AMAZING. My friend had raved about facials during the process of planning, saying that they were consistently her favorite parts of going to spas, but I thought she was exaggerating. She wasn't. It was so relaxing. I was surprised to get a hand and foot massage during the facial, both of which were heavenly, AND she gave me really good advice on skin care. The only part that I wasn't sure about was what she was going to do AFTER she was done massaging my feet. I was a little nervous that she might touch my face after she had been massaging my toes. I was very really relieved when I noticed that she washed her hands in between the foot stuff and the face stuff.

In all, I was quite pleased with my experience. I left feeling very relaxed and full of bliss. I could definitely get used to the idea of frequenting such a spa. And I may return in the near future to receive another treatment.

Somebody Save Me

2008-04-26T14:47:00.002-06:00

Why is it that the activities that are so fun when I am procrastinating are so boring when I have nothing to do? I know I've discussed this problem before, but I just don't know what to do with myself when I'm done with school. It's like school took over every aspect of my life, and now that it's done I feel so empty. It's sort of a like a break up. A painless, joyful breakup, but a breakup nonetheless. I feel like I have to start from scratch and rebuild my life. I need to find hobbies again and remember how to enjoy life the way I did before school and I became involved. Ugh. Somebody give me something to do!

Things That Bug Me

2008-04-22T12:48:00.003-06:00

Maybe it's because I'm really grumpy today but I am highly annoyed by the lack of library etiquette on college campuses today. I first noticed this problem while I was getting my undergraduate degree in Washington. I would go to the library to do some intense reading, since I was too easily distracted by the people and technology around me at home, and I frequently found my studies disturbed by people answering their cell phones and having conversations...IN THE LIBRARY! The same thing happened today while I was in the computer lab in the library attempting to work on my e-portfolio. I was highly aggravated anyway because it took about 20 minutes for the computer to let me onto the program I needed. But in the midst of my frustration, a young man decided to answer his phone and have an 8 minute talk with whoever. Like, did he not notice the people working around him? Was he oblivious to the signs that say: If your phone goes off in the computer lab you'll be asked to leave? Clearly it didn't matter anyway because nobody in the lab did anything. I wanted to give him a dirty look but was afraid that would reinforce this behavior. I don't go to the library to socialize. I go to focus and do work. I wish other people felt the same way.

The other thing I'm annoyed about also concerns cell phones. I am sick of text messaging. I mean, yeah, there are certain situations where texting probably makes more sense than calling someone. But when people try to have entire conversations with me through text messages, it bugs me. Oftentimes, there is no immediate feedback and I'm left to wonder if the person received my message or if I unintentionally said something offensive or if they're showing my messages to friends. If someone has more than two things to say to me, I would really just prefer or a phone call or a visit.

Dusting Off the Ol' Runners

2008-04-01T14:52:00.003-06:00

Today I experienced a sort of "running break through." In an effort to get into shape for a couple of 5K's in May, I have re-taken up running, which has been much harder to do than I expected. About a year ago I got really into running as part of a self-therapy strategy to deal with life's woes. I ran most days of the week, built up my endurance, and finished a 5K. This all made me feel pretty awesome about myself. For the first time in my life, I wanted to exercise...I HAD to exercise. It gave me something to look forward to everyday.

Then, I went back to school.

Fitness enthusiasts would shudder at my excuse of being too busy to run. But I really was. In addition to being a full time student, I was working 7 hours a day. That comes out to about 13 hours of work and school time a day. Add homework and sleep on top of that and...well, you do the math. Little time is left over for anything. Of course, by the time I switched to a part time work schedule, I had lost all motivation to move in any way. School became both my source of therapy and stress. Sounds weird. But as crazy as I felt during my hectic 19 credit hour schedule in the fall, it felt good to be in school and working toward a goal.

Now that I'm mostly done with school, I have no more excuses to not try to get into shape. Signing up for my races has given me more motivation. However, until today, I have to admit I was feeling very discouraged with the process of getting ready. Although I had only been running for a few days, I was shocked at how much endurance I had lost in a year. And my progress had been very slow.

The key, I realized today, is pacing. I felt like a caterpillar as I slowly made my way around the track, but I ran much much much further than I had been able to run even 3 days ago. Remembering what it feels like to run at a reasonable pace I hope will help build up my momentum and keep me going with the whole running thing. As awkward as it feels to run in slo-mo, the tortoise in that one fable was really on to something. "Slow and steady wins the race." Or at least finishes it without going into cardiac arrest.

But, Seriously

2008-03-09T16:09:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I went on and on about the awesomeness of daylight savings, how it marks the beginning of spring and sunnier times, it's one of the greatest days of the year, etc. Well, today, upon returning home from a walk, I found evidence of spring in my backyard. That's right, flowers are growing in my yard! I decided to celebrate the onset of a new season by taking my homework outside to work in the sun. Hopefully there aren't too many more snowy days before this beautiful weather sticks around for good.

Welcome Daylight Savings!

2008-03-08T13:17:00.002-07:00

Tomorrow marks one of my top 5 favorite days of the year: the beginning of daylight savings time. I look upon the beginning of daylight savings as a sort of turning point in each calendar year. Before daylight savings time begins, there is darkness; after, there is light. Really, I have been looking forward to the time that I will finally be able to change my clock ahead for at least two weeks. As of late, it's been really hard to suppress thoughts of sunsets happening after about 6:00 PM. But after tomorrow, the sun will hang around until after 7:00...and it will only spend more time in the sky after that! I think what tomorrow really signifies is the day that I pull myself out of my winter slump and begin to feel rejuvenated for spring and summer.

I know that not everyone appreciates day light savings as much as me. I might even go so far as to call it controversial. Does it really serve a purpose? Are we actually saving energy as a result of it? I've even heard some people whine about losing one hour of sleep. Really? In three days will you still actually be missing that hour? I hope that people such as these never try to travel out of there home time zones. As far as saving energy goes, I think much more research needs to be done before we'll actually know for sure.

If it were up to me, I would stay on daylight savings all year. True, it's very difficult getting up when it is still dark outside, but darkness by 5:00 in the afternoon is absolutely depressing. Working people can't even enjoy the sunlight until after 5:00 anyway. Maybe one day my dream of year-round daylight savings will become reality. Until then, I'll enjoy what I have and feel grateful that I don't live in Arizona.

Miss Kitty Teaches Math

2008-02-02T10:35:00.000-07:00

This week I took over the math instruction in the classroom where I'm doing my student teaching. I chose to take on math first because that's the school subject that I'm least comfortable teaching and for very good reason. Teaching math to 4th graders is so hard! I was trying to reinforce what they already knew about multiplication and division through tactile and visual activities. My mentor teacher and I hoped that more "hands-on" activities would make starting long division easier for them, but after every lesson I felt like they weren't really seeing the big picture of what I was trying to do. It's really, really hard for me to break down what I consider to be really easy math concepts into terms that children will understand. On the plus side, the students were always really excited to hear that I was going to be teaching math. I like to think that they were responding to my teaching awesomeness, even though deep down I know it's because they liked playing with cubes.

It's really kind of strange being like a "teacher." I know I'm not a real teacher yet, but it feels like I am. Yesterday I brought home a stack of papers to grade and I'm teaching lessons every day. My mentor teacher also asked me to put together a new seating chart because he wants them to change seats next week. I'm putting together seating charts! I've also basically been given the freedom to do whatever I want when I teach. Next week I'm going to start teaching reading and social studies, in addition to teaching math. And the week after, I'm going to start teaching all day for four weeks. AHHH!!! It's crazy! Who would have ever thought that I would be a teacher?

Like Having Your Dad Pull Your Teeth

2008-01-15T17:39:00.000-07:00

Actually, it's more painful than that. It's like a serious emotional blow. A task quite impossible to complete unless it is under the most dire of circumstances. The task of which I am speaking is, of course, cleaning out my room.

I am in the process of moving back in with my parents. However, despite technically not living with them (although I still spent at least 40% of my day at their house), I still had a closet and bedroom full of crap. Well, not crap. But clothes, shoes, letters, to-do-lists, calendars, etc. I'm not really a pack rat. I just never got around to cleaning out my room after I moved back home after college. So, all the junk I brought back with me (although I mean junk in the most endearing way possible) from school, got added to all of the stuff already there. At the time, I was too caught up in the excitement of graduating that I never really committed myself to cleaning up my life.

Now, as I'm returning to live with my parents, I see how absolutely necessary it is to rid myself of excess. I have the ambition to do it, but the fact that I'm hopelessly sentimental makes this a very difficult process. I mean, I have probably all of the cards I have ever received in my life because they mean too much to me to throw away.

As I began to clean I found that I couldn't throw away an old calendar because it was filled with significant dates that I might want to remember, plus the pictures could be useful for something some day. I couldn't bear to part with a shirt that has strong memories associated with it. Some things I hated to see go just because I've had them for so long, although I hadn't needed them for several years. Plus, with everything I put in the "donation" pile or the garbage I couldn't help but wonder, "But what if I need this again one day?"

I made tremendous gains in creating more room in my life this weekend, but I was only able to accomplish it by temporarily turning into a cold-hearted, emotionless shell of a person. I guess during times like these, the only thing to do is not dwell on all the memories that were thrown into a black garbage bag like pieces of moldy bread, but rather, to acknowledge that they had fulfilled their purposes in my life...and move on. In a few years, they will have been replaced by new artifacts from my life that will inevitably suffer the same fate.

And so the cycle begins again.

The First Day... (dun, dun, dun or some other ominous tune)

2008-01-08T18:05:00.000-07:00

Today was my first day as a student teacher.

I'm so tired. So sore. So in over my head.

What was I thinking?

To Attain Chopstick Proficiency

2008-01-03T21:14:00.000-07:00

I love New Year's. The day, not the eve. Sure, many of us spend most of New Year's Day recovering from the night before...exhausted...possibly hungover...perhaps still drunk.... Actually, New Year's Day can be a bit of a bummer if you think about it. You know, I like to think that the New Year actually begins on January 2, at least in spirit. I can hardly imagine beginning the many new year's resolutions that I set for myself right on January 1. I'm just not emotionally or physically prepared for self-better-ment after the traumas that tend to occur on New Year's Eve.

But none of this is really the point of this very scatterbrained post. The point is that I love the beginning of the new year. I have never really paid much attention to it before, but at the beginning of the year (meaning January 2, of course), everyone just seems so refreshed. They have a new resolve to accomplish the things that they believe will lead them to a happier life. Attitudes are positive; politeness reigns supreme. People really believe that they can do anything and behave in ways that will help them accomplish their goals. If only this feeling could last throughout the year. I imagine our lives would be a lot happier if we didn't give in to our old habits but, rather, persevered through the inevitable slumps along the way to personal fulfillment. (Hm, Andy, I think your idea about discipline beginning when inspiration ends is finally making sense to me. Thanks, dude.)

On that note, I have a few resolutions of my own. Some of them are a bit "whimsical" and may not happen this year, in which case I won't feel too disappointed. Others mean a lot to me, and I hope I can attain them, although I fully anticipate them to take a lot of commitment and many tears. Among my resolutions are taking an art class, exercising 4 times a week, becoming financially independent from my parents, and, of course, learning to eat with chopsticks. I have several others, but these are the ones that stick out in my mind right now AND that I'm willing to disclose to the "public." So, far they are coming along nicely, which is the best I can hope for with it only being the third day of the new year.

Now What?

2007-12-16T22:16:00.001-07:00

So, I think I need a hobby. After all that time I spent complaining about how busy I was and suffering nervous breakdowns because I didn't know how I would get everything done before the end of the semester, it turns out that I actually need school in my life. I have been done with finals since Thursday, and I feel like I don't know what to do with myself. I've hung out with friends. I've started reading a couple of books. I've gone Christmas shopping. But I just feel like that isn't enough, like I need to be doing something else...or something.

Perhaps I just got too out of the habit of having nothing to do. I mean, it's been a long time since the carefree summer days filled with nothingness that I grew used to in junior high. Back then, none of my friends had anything to do either. So, we did nothing together, which is much better than doing nothing by yourself. A few months from now, I'll be done with school, have a full time job like everyone else I know, and I'll probably never be bored again. But until then I need to find a way to pass the time...until next semester begins.

So, hobbies. I could get back into baking. Or start exercising again. Maybe I could play around with all the art supplies I had to buy this semester (I am, after all, convinced that there is an artist inside me that is dying to come out). I just need to find something to keep me entertained until my last semester begins because, really, I just don't know how to relax anymore.

Signs of Aging

2007-12-11T23:31:00.000-07:00

I think I'm getting old. I remember the good ol' days, not even two years ago when I could handle finals week like a champ. I studied hard, had no fun, and kicked finals butt. I remember one year in particular where I got about 6 hours of sleep from Sunday to Tuesday. (Cake for some people; really, really hard for me.)

And now, my body just can't do it anymore. I have had at least five hours of sleep a night, since the week began, and I am struggling big time. For instance, at this moment, my eyelids actually feel sore from being forced to stay open. And the really sad thing is that I actually had time to take a 3 hour nap today. I've become such a wimp. What happened to handling all nighters? What happened to OD-ing on caffeine and 9:00 PM coffee runs so that everything would get done?

All I know, besides the fact that this entry is completely incoherent, is that, at 23 years-old, I am showing signs of aging. And that can't be good.

(At least I only have 1 final project left before the end of a very demanding semester. Woohoo.)

Snowed In

2007-12-08T00:32:00.000-07:00

So, the weather man tells me that I can expect up to five more inches of snow in addition to the several inches that have already fallen. Any other winter except for this one, I would be very depressed to hear such a prediction. I've spent many years of my life absolutely loathing snow. Sure, it's pretty when it covers the mountains. It's always welcome on Christmas. And it's fun to ski in. Up to this point in my life, these have been the only exceptions.

This year I find myself actually craving snow. Much of this has to do with my fear that global warming will shrivel up our cool little planet into nothingness. But there is something else leading to this attitude shift, too.

Stepping outside tonight to watch the snow fall on to my parents lawn, I noticed how quiet everything was. It was almost as if time had stopped and nothing existed beyond that moment. Everything was so peaceful and still. Not too mention that when I looked up into the sky to watch the snow fall down around me, I felt like I was stepping outside of myself and away from the complexities of life around me.

I remember on one of my favorite TV shows, Everwood, the narrator talked about the magic of snow (although I'm sure he didn't use those words). He talked eloquently (much more than I could ever do) about how snow has the power to cover up even the biggest messes to make everything seem calm once again. What a way to look at snow.

I've said it before: It's been a hell of a year. And just when I thought it was going to end on an up note, everything crashed down around me once again. In order to maintain my own sanity, I will take any opportunity I can to revel in stillness and serenity. I may be spending a lot of time in the snow this winter because, for right now, I want to believe that snow has the power to heal the soul.

Dance, Dance

2007-11-15T21:46:00.000-07:00

I walk timidly across the hardwood floor toward the middle of a dimly lit room. I have no idea what to expect from what I am about to embark upon. There are several people around me. Some are friends; others are strangers.

The muscles in my back become tense as a drum beat begins to fill the room. I stretch upward, reaching for the ceiling. My right foot takes a step; the left follows. Before I know it I am caught in an internal struggle: Do I let my mind take charge of the situation, analyzing every action? Or do I release control and give in to the beat, acting on what I feel?

These were the emotions going through mind about two hours ago as I began my first African Dance class. Although I felt completely awkward the whole time I was there, it was one of the coolest things I have done in awhile.

I had heard about the African Dance class that is offered at the gym at my school from a friend I worked with this summer. She attended the class every week and would come to work the next day raving about how amazing it was. I was intrigued, but pretty convinced that my days of going to dance class were numbered.

That was until a couple of days ago. As part of a requirement for a creative arts class I'm taking this semester, I'm supposed to learn something in the realm of fine arts. I was at a loss for what to do until my friend from school brought up the idea of going to one of the dance classes offered through the health and wellness center. I thought it was a good idea, but not sure it would actually happen because of my fear of entering into another dance class ever again. But today I must have been feeling adventurous because when she told me that there was a class tonight, I actually really wanted to go. I called my roommate to invite her, and the three of us headed over to the dance studio.

The whole atmosphere of the class was so cool. The teacher was a great dancer, and very supportive of our attempts at replicating her movements. The lights were dimmed, perhaps for dramatic effect, but it definitely set the right mood. And then there were the drummers. That's right. There was live music in our dance class. Yes, it was a little strange feeling like three drummer guys were watching us dance across the floor, but very appropriate for the situation. It made it feel very authentic.

Then there was the dancing. The hardest part for me was trying to let go of the worry that I looked like a fool as I did the movements. I knew that if I could just let go and really feel the music it would come naturally. I knew this because everything about the class felt so organic, like the music and the movements were a part of my genetic history. Every move seemed to radiate from my core. There was something inside of me that felt like throwing my whole being into it, but I wasn't quite ready to let go of the control yet.

Maybe next time. I definitely want to take this class again because I know that this is what dance is supposed to feel like: exciting, freeing, and emotional. African Dance, as I know it, is very good for my soul.

"Don't move until you feel it."

Meaning

2007-10-31T18:51:00.001-06:00

Yesterday I shook hands with greatness. I attended the UEA conference with a couple of my friends from school with no expectations really, except to maybe get some free stuff and maybe get some good ideas for teaching in my classroom next year. Well, I ended up walking out of there feeling completely inspired. Unbeknownst to me, the keynote speaker at the conference was Erin Gruwell, the real life teacher who was portrayed by Hilary Swank in the film "Freedom Writers." I have never actually seen that movie. In fact, I never really had any desire to see it. It seemed formulaic, predictable, and a little too heart felt.

I think I might have been wrong. It was amazing to hear Erin tell her story. She began her teaching career working with the 150 "lowest" students in the entire school district. Her students grew up in a "war zone" practically next door to places like Beverly Hills and Disneyland, and really believed that they had no futures. Through literature and writing, Erin completely changed their lives. She helped them draw connections between their own lives and the lives of people like Anne Frank and Eli Weisel, people who had also experienced horrors in the places where they grew up. Rather than choosing violence, the authors of these books chose to tell their stories. Similarly, Erin's students began writing their stories. Erin encouraged them to make the choice to break free from the paths their lives were heading down. She gave them hope because she believed in them and knew the best way to reach them was to build on what they knew.

I wish I could really explain how incredible it was to hear Erin's story. As I was listening to her speak, I couldn't help but think how fortunate her students were to have her come into their lives. It reminded me about what teaching is all about. Once you become a part of the educational system it's kind of hard to forget about the powerful role you can play in someone's life. Things like NCLB trick teachers into believing scores are a true measurement of their professional worth. But I don't want to become a teacher who only cares about exams. I want to become a teacher like Erin, who gives students hope for the future and shows them that they have the power to do great things with their lives.

After she spoke, I had the opportunity to shake hands with Erin and meet Maria Reyes, one of her former students. It was funny to hear them tell us how excited they were for us to become teachers. I really hope they understand how inspirational their stories are. Hearing these women talk was exactly what I needed at a time when I was becoming incredibly tired of school and wondering if it really was worth all the work. Erin said that she was "an ordinary person who had experienced extraordinary things." I disagree. Compared to many of the educators I've met in my life, she is way beyond ordinary.

Clarity

2007-10-24T21:43:00.000-06:00

So, I had kind of an awesome moment yesterday afternoon. It was more of an internal experience than anything but it seems to have had a profound effect on my mood that has lasted into today. Amazing.

It's not really much of a secret to those around me that I had a bit of a "rough" year. I had to deal with a series of extremely unfortunate events, and within the span of a couple of months I went from feeling like I was on top of the world to feeling like I was carrying the weight of the world. Around March I began to wonder if the universe was playing a really gigantic practical joke on me. I mean, no one could possibly have been experiencing the same crappiness that I was. Honestly, I realize that things could have become much worse. But it all felt horrible, nonetheless.

Then this summer, my load lightened a little bit. I went back to school for my master's degree and found a renewed sense of purpose. I went back to work at my usual summer job and laughed a lot. I even had a fun little summer fling. But in rapid succession the laid-back summer semester ended, my job was over, and the fling had far over-run its course. And by mid-September I was feeling disheartened once again. I believe the exact word I used when describing my feelings to my roommate was "broken." I needed to be fixed. I needed to feel happiness again. I was ready to let something good come back into my life, but I didn't know how to make that happen.

Then, yesterday, I experienced a moment of clarity. It happened in the strangest place: the classroom where I've been student teaching. My poor students. They were working on their reading skills. I should have been helping. Instead, I was having an intense, personal moment of realization that almost made me cry. Thank goodness I pulled myself back together. The thing that I realized is that I have a lot of love in my life. I have a lot to be happy about. And even though things can be hard sometimes I have this feeling that everything is going to be okay. I know I'm going to fall in love again. I know that this whole teaching thing, although unexpected, is going to work out. I just need to not be afraid of what I don't know and forgive myself for life being different than I wanted it to be.

"I want to let go and know that I'll be all right, all right."

Pieces of me

2007-10-19T18:47:00.000-06:00

So, it's kind of strange that I'm here...writing a blog.... I never thought I would be the kind of person who would have one. Then yesterday, that changed. I had the urge to check in with one of my friend's blogs, and I was sort of...inspired. I'm not sure what it was that "got" me, but something clicked in me when I was looking at it. And here I am.

You know, the idea of putting something out there that has the potential to be "seen" is kind of scary. The only thing that makes me feel a little bit better about it is that I am probably going to be the only person to ever really see it. I guess there is something about the idea of creating something that appeals to me. Even though I am rarely satisfied with the product, I always enjoy the process. During the act of creating I feel simultaneously relaxed, sad, content, and thoughtful. As lame as it sounds, it feels as though I am pouring my whole being into whatever it is I am making.

And then there is the whole aspect of writing that intrigues me about the whole blog thing. I have never thought myself to be a particularly talented writer. But I am an honest one. I feel more myself, more truthful whenever I am writing. I guess not all writing is created equal. Text messaging, instant messaging, facebook postings...those don't really count. But anything that lets me develop a complete thought, whatever that may be, makes me feel real, for lack of a better word. Maybe it's because I'm sort of a wimp and slightly socially awkward, but I am far more likely to express the truth about myself in writing than through any other means of communication. At least that's true when it's not on public display. I guess I'll soon find out if that belief stands.

So, here it goes, the hard part...publishing my first post. I really hope it doesn't hurt.