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And it begins...

I am officially freaking out about beginning my teaching career at the end of this month. I knew that I would start having physical symptoms over my nervousness, but I was convinced that I had at least two more weeks before they would appear. I was wrong.

Last night, I dreamt that I was in Saudi Arabia being chased by terrorists. Now, I have my own personal issues with paranoia (I've been called a hypochondriac on a number of occasions), but this doesn't extend into the realm of terrorism. So, I'm thinking that my dream is symbolic for my teaching-related fears. The classroom is my desert; the students are my personal terrorists. Call me crazy, but I don't think this is the best outlook to have as I prepare to start teaching.

The other symptom that I experienced is waking up feeling nauseated and full of dread...at 6:00 AM. A good 3 hours before I should reasonably be expected to wake up on a Sunday morning.

It seemed quite strange to me how suddenly and unexpectedly my fear hit me. Until 8 hours ago I had done a pretty decent job of repressing the knowledge that I was going to start teaching. But then I thought about the past 24 hours and realized that my symptoms were caused by a variety of triggers:

1. Yesterday I changed my calendar from July to August and decided to count the weeks I had left until the first day of school, just for the hell of it. I discovered there are 3 weeks to go.

2. I received a letter in the mail welcoming the teachers to a new school year. In this letter the school administrators had enclosed a detailed schedule of the professional development trainings the teachers will be attending the week before school starts.

3. Last night, a few friends came over to dinner. One of these friends is a fellow new educator who will be teaching at the college level starting in September. He has the first assignment already planned out for one of his classes...and probably the whole semester. Meanwhile, I haven't even began to set up my classroom, much less plan my curriculum. I want to cry.

My biggest fear: That this freak out phase will only get worse over the next 3 weeks.

Bored of Blogging

I feel uninspired and currently suffer from writer's block. Perhaps changing the visual appearance of my blog will compel me to write again.

Spa Adventures

Last weekend I experienced a couple of firsts: my first massage and my first facial. I have been wanting to visit a spa for years now, but never got around to it for various reasons. So, when I was thinking about how I wanted to treat myself for finishing my Master's program, I just couldn't ignore the spa idea any longer. I enlisted my two best friends from high school to accompany me on my inaugural journey to the spa, and after much stress (on my part) and some planning, we set out for our spa day.

The day started out exciting enough. I was a bundle of nervous energy because we were running a little late and I wasn't sure what to expect. Mostly, I was agonizing over the question of how much clothing I was willing to shed for the experience. My friends encouraged me to just get rid of it all because I would enjoy my experience more that way. I decided to be bold and go along with it. Walking out to the waiting area, I felt totally liberated.

And then my message therapist entered the room to guide me to the massage area. It was a man. Of course, Miss Modesty, the girl who gets overwhelmingly bashful when it comes to nudity, ends up with a male massage therapist. I'm pretty sure he was the only man working there that day and I got him. I felt so silly and embarrassed. Luckily, once the massage got under way, I was able to mostly let go of the fact that I was naked in a room with a man I had just met. I mean, it's not like he really saw anything...but it felt weird, anyway. I find in times like these, it's best to put things in perspective. A) This man does this for a living. He's a professional. He massages naked people all day long. B) He probably isn't attracted to women. I mean, he might be, but there is a good chance he isn't, so why do I care? C) It's a massage. Go with the flow or else I'm going to miss out on the point of the experience.

So, after the massage, which wasn't quite as earth shattering an experience as I was hoping it would be, I entered into phase 2 of my spa day: the facial. The facial was AMAZING. My friend had raved about facials during the process of planning, saying that they were consistently her favorite parts of going to spas, but I thought she was exaggerating. She wasn't. It was so relaxing. I was surprised to get a hand and foot massage during the facial, both of which were heavenly, AND she gave me really good advice on skin care. The only part that I wasn't sure about was what she was going to do AFTER she was done massaging my feet. I was a little nervous that she might touch my face after she had been massaging my toes. I was very really relieved when I noticed that she washed her hands in between the foot stuff and the face stuff.

In all, I was quite pleased with my experience. I left feeling very relaxed and full of bliss. I could definitely get used to the idea of frequenting such a spa. And I may return in the near future to receive another treatment.

Somebody Save Me

Why is it that the activities that are so fun when I am procrastinating are so boring when I have nothing to do? I know I've discussed this problem before, but I just don't know what to do with myself when I'm done with school. It's like school took over every aspect of my life, and now that it's done I feel so empty. It's sort of a like a break up. A painless, joyful breakup, but a breakup nonetheless. I feel like I have to start from scratch and rebuild my life. I need to find hobbies again and remember how to enjoy life the way I did before school and I became involved. Ugh. Somebody give me something to do!

Things That Bug Me

Maybe it's because I'm really grumpy today but I am highly annoyed by the lack of library etiquette on college campuses today. I first noticed this problem while I was getting my undergraduate degree in Washington. I would go to the library to do some intense reading, since I was too easily distracted by the people and technology around me at home, and I frequently found my studies disturbed by people answering their cell phones and having conversations...IN THE LIBRARY! The same thing happened today while I was in the computer lab in the library attempting to work on my e-portfolio. I was highly aggravated anyway because it took about 20 minutes for the computer to let me onto the program I needed. But in the midst of my frustration, a young man decided to answer his phone and have an 8 minute talk with whoever. Like, did he not notice the people working around him? Was he oblivious to the signs that say: If your phone goes off in the computer lab you'll be asked to leave? Clearly it didn't matter anyway because nobody in the lab did anything. I wanted to give him a dirty look but was afraid that would reinforce this behavior. I don't go to the library to socialize. I go to focus and do work. I wish other people felt the same way.

The other thing I'm annoyed about also concerns cell phones. I am sick of text messaging. I mean, yeah, there are certain situations where texting probably makes more sense than calling someone. But when people try to have entire conversations with me through text messages, it bugs me. Oftentimes, there is no immediate feedback and I'm left to wonder if the person received my message or if I unintentionally said something offensive or if they're showing my messages to friends. If someone has more than two things to say to me, I would really just prefer or a phone call or a visit.

Dusting Off the Ol' Runners

Today I experienced a sort of "running break through." In an effort to get into shape for a couple of 5K's in May, I have re-taken up running, which has been much harder to do than I expected. About a year ago I got really into running as part of a self-therapy strategy to deal with life's woes. I ran most days of the week, built up my endurance, and finished a 5K. This all made me feel pretty awesome about myself. For the first time in my life, I wanted to exercise...I HAD to exercise. It gave me something to look forward to everyday.

Then, I went back to school.

Fitness enthusiasts would shudder at my excuse of being too busy to run. But I really was. In addition to being a full time student, I was working 7 hours a day. That comes out to about 13 hours of work and school time a day. Add homework and sleep on top of that and...well, you do the math. Little time is left over for anything. Of course, by the time I switched to a part time work schedule, I had lost all motivation to move in any way. School became both my source of therapy and stress. Sounds weird. But as crazy as I felt during my hectic 19 credit hour schedule in the fall, it felt good to be in school and working toward a goal.

Now that I'm mostly done with school, I have no more excuses to not try to get into shape. Signing up for my races has given me more motivation. However, until today, I have to admit I was feeling very discouraged with the process of getting ready. Although I had only been running for a few days, I was shocked at how much endurance I had lost in a year. And my progress had been very slow.

The key, I realized today, is pacing. I felt like a caterpillar as I slowly made my way around the track, but I ran much much much further than I had been able to run even 3 days ago. Remembering what it feels like to run at a reasonable pace I hope will help build up my momentum and keep me going with the whole running thing. As awkward as it feels to run in slo-mo, the tortoise in that one fable was really on to something. "Slow and steady wins the race." Or at least finishes it without going into cardiac arrest.