I am officially freaking out about beginning my teaching career at the end of this month. I knew that I would start having physical symptoms over my nervousness, but I was convinced that I had at least two more weeks before they would appear. I was wrong.
Last night, I dreamt that I was in Saudi Arabia being chased by terrorists. Now, I have my own personal issues with paranoia (I've been called a hypochondriac on a number of occasions), but this doesn't extend into the realm of terrorism. So, I'm thinking that my dream is symbolic for my teaching-related fears. The classroom is my desert; the students are my personal terrorists. Call me crazy, but I don't think this is the best outlook to have as I prepare to start teaching.
The other symptom that I experienced is waking up feeling nauseated and full of dread...at 6:00 AM. A good 3 hours before I should reasonably be expected to wake up on a Sunday morning.
It seemed quite strange to me how suddenly and unexpectedly my fear hit me. Until 8 hours ago I had done a pretty decent job of repressing the knowledge that I was going to start teaching. But then I thought about the past 24 hours and realized that my symptoms were caused by a variety of triggers:
1. Yesterday I changed my calendar from July to August and decided to count the weeks I had left until the first day of school, just for the hell of it. I discovered there are 3 weeks to go.
2. I received a letter in the mail welcoming the teachers to a new school year. In this letter the school administrators had enclosed a detailed schedule of the professional development trainings the teachers will be attending the week before school starts.
3. Last night, a few friends came over to dinner. One of these friends is a fellow new educator who will be teaching at the college level starting in September. He has the first assignment already planned out for one of his classes...and probably the whole semester. Meanwhile, I haven't even began to set up my classroom, much less plan my curriculum. I want to cry.
My biggest fear: That this freak out phase will only get worse over the next 3 weeks.
My Favorite Place
Under the pier at Huntington Beach, April 2007
About Me
- Mel
- I am.... Newly independent. An elementary school teacher. In love with the ocean and mountains. Ever-aspiring to be a better cook and photographer. A passionate coffee drinker. Happiest around people that I love and that make me laugh.
5 comments:
Well ... it probably will get worse ... but then it will get better. And then worse. And then better again. I've been freaking out pretty much the ENTIRE summer, so I am impressed that your anxiety ceased to exist until three weeks prior. You will be great, and there is no doubt about that! And hey, any time you need to feel better just remember that by the time you start school, I'll have already survived three weeks. And if I can do that, you'll be okay too. :)
Oh, and I didn't start planning my curriculum until Wednesday of last week. So don't worry about that. I still don't know what I'm doing beyond next week.. there's only so much you can do in that respect.
You're going to be great. I can't wait to hear all of your teaching stories about what crazy things your kids did. Its going to be a blast.
Just remember that they are more afraid of you than you are of them.
Thanks, Sam. I'm really glad that school has been going well for you so far. Can we please have a Scrabble party soon so that I can get the scoop on everything?
Andy, I have a pretty good camp story from today. Actually, it's kind of evil. I'll tell you about it sometime.
Finally, to Hecho, I'm planning on posting your list of disciplinary threats at my desk to help me to maintain a certain standard of fear in my classroom. Fear: It's the only way to reach today's youth.
I'm glad I can have a positive effect on you and your children. Fear is your ally.
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